Today is Remembrance Day. I did my best to pay my respects throughout, although my work pretty well managed to spoil that. For some reason my manager decided to call AT 11, which is completely disrespectful. Nonetheless, today was a bit eventful.
After quite a few rude and disrespectful phone calls, V and I decided that we were going to leave her letters and inform her we would not be in for any more shifts. It wasn’t so bad on my end, because I only had two shifts left, but she hasnt given any two weeks. Anyways Im really happy she’s getting out of there too. I have to go in to drop off my keys at some point but I dont want to give it to her… it’s just something my mind can’t handle. Hopefully I can drop it off to another coworker or something.
On a more pleasant note, I got another job! Im starting work at a love boutique on Monday. Its a bit of a smaller, more tasteful shop (more lingerie, and less toys, all of which are in cabinets). A woman owns it, helped a bit by her husband, but she’s so bubbly and energetic that it’s just fantastic. Im really glad that I got this position, and even more glad that I dont have to panic over not having a job after finishing at La Senza. It will be really interesting learning about sizing corsets, and meeting all sorts of quirky people! The store is also only open in the evenings on Thursdays and Fridays, and I was given the impression I wouldnt work evenings or weekends anyways, which is awesome. Gives me some more time to go to the gym.
The gym is actually going really well! I’ve been going 2 or 3 times a week, and I’m even all the way up to doing 9 boy pushups. The next couple days after my big workout really suck, but at least I know it’s working. Im feeling a little stronger already, and my cardio has really been improving (Im up to a half hour!). I weighed myself and I’ve lost 5 pounds, which is exciting and really a motivator. Cowboy’s sister has been coming with me, and she lost 7 when she weighed herself. I’m so excited about her and I getting healthy!
A trainer there let us know about this wicked awesome snack to have too ( And Shapeofagirl, you will love this!). It`s a caramel rice cake, with peanut butter spread on top, and sliced bananas on top of that. It`s soooo good!
I’m feeling more and more comfortable with the place that I call home: Edmonton. It’s great to know where Im going and how to get here, and even better to know more people and go out with people who are MY friends. I love not feeling like I have to lean on Cowboy because I dont know anyone.
Oh Jay. Jay Brennan is the shit. I’m sure I’ve posted about him before. I discovered him just over a year ago, and he just encompasses everything that I love in a musician. Bummer he never comes to Edmonton. I’ll have to plan one of my next visits around one of his Vancouver shows. Raccoon mentioned something about him on his facebook status earlier today, and I smiled to myself. It’s nice to dive back into a familiar sound again.
I first discovered Jay when I was living with my old roommate. Those who I still talk to frequently from BC know her well, if only for the fact that she was a leech that tried to suck the life out of anyone who came close to her. I remember her often coming into my room whilst Jay was playing. It’s funny how certain music will take you right back to where you first experienced it. Or how when you open a book like an old friend, the place you read it, how you felt when you were reading it, even the person you were when you read it – it all comes rushing back. I was dealing with a lot when I discovered Jay. I wasn’t working, and I was trying to come to terms with the fact that I was going to be making a huge change soon. Leaving the place I called home, and removing a part of my body that had plagued me for years.
My surgery opened me up to so many knew things, and living with my sister before my big move really opened up my life with my family. It’s funny because I get so many people wondering aloud to me why my surgery seemed to be such a big deal in my life. I mean, it’s just your chest, right? But it was so much more than that. I remember being wheeled into the operating room, and looking up at the bright lights and strangers staring down at me. I remember thinking “This is it. My life is going to be different from now on”. And it was true. I haven’t been “the girl with big boobs” once since I left that hospital.
My relationship with my sister really developed as she helped me prepare for my move. I got a call from a salon in Edmonton a few months before I moved, and she was there when I recieved the message, and her eyes grew bright. “You CAN”T move now of all times,” she cried. “I just got my sister back!” We were preparing for her wedding, and now that I was clean and we were both adults, it was crazy to think of me leaving. I had knewly discovered my family. I had stopped coming home high as a kite and causing a storm to whip through the house. Things were different, but good different. I wonder sometimes if my mom and sister blame me for putting distance between us again. My mom and I chatted the other day about the things that were bugging her at the time, and we really TALKED. Saw eye to eye, and compared how stupid our men are at times. its nice to see a connection there, finally.
Shapeofagirl had her baby last Saturday. She’s really a sweetie. Her name is Eve. I saw some pictures of her, and I saw more of her husband in her than I did Shapeofagirl. People having babies all around me is making me realize how much everyone is growing up. I looked over at Cowboy the other day, and remembered when he was an obnoxious 8 year old running around the sanctuary. It’s crazy to think of how fast time flies. Maybe time will creep up on me again someday and I’ll realize that I’m a wife and mother as well. Funny to think that way.
Im happier than I could ever have been. Here, Im happy. Even on my bad days. Sometimes I slip down the slope I spent years climbing back up. I’m learning that it never goes away, but that only I can make things better. Life goes on, and time will creep up before I know it.
Well, I’m back from BC, and slowly settling back into the usual routine. The week whizzed by, and before I knew it, I was saying goodbye and walking through security at the airport.
My day was long when I travelled to the island. I left my place at 130, and didn’t get to Nanaimo until about 9. I was looking forward to relaxing on the ferry, staring out at the ocean I had missed, and generally relaxing. However it seems I randomly encountered my grandmother and two family friends on the Vancouver side, so I spent the ride catching up and chatting with my Grandma about her upcoming surgery. When I got off the ferry and saw my Mom, she struggled to step out of the car, a reminder of how her health has diminished over the last few years. Refusing to let me help her out, she finally got to her feet and hugged me. She held on tight, and whispered in my ear that she missed me. I hugged her back and I briefly wondered to myself whether or not she was holding on so long because she had missed me or because she couldnt hold herself up.
My mom’s cane has become a permanent attachment to her hand these days. I remember when I was young and she brought out her cane, I knew that she was having one of her “bad days”. Now, for her, every day is a “bad day”. Her and I made a quilt this last week while we visited. All I have left to do is quilt part of it and finish the binding. We sat on our knees, leaning down over the fabric as we sandwiched it, and she winced from the pain. As I quietly hurried to save time and the pain in her knees, we had a bit of a heart to heart. She wondered aloud why after all these years I had decided I wanted to learn how to quilt.
“Well, I know that you’re not going to be around forever, and I know I want to make MY grandchildren baby quilts and all that kind of stuff”.
My mom was quiet. She shoved a few more safety pins into the quilt, and we chatted quietly about her quilts, how she knew she wouldn’t be around forever, and just random tidbits. She admitted to me that she was well aware that the next time she had to go in to brain surgery she very well might not come out alive.
Now it was my turn to be quiet. I reflected back to a conversation my sister and I had before I moved away. Mom has been getting worse and worse. With her conditions, her life has been shortened by quite a few years. While her actual age is mid 40’s, her body’s actual age is in the mid 60’s at this point, according to her doctors. I wonder to myself often… at the rate this is going, will she be healthy enough to see me get married? Will she be ALIVE when I have children? This is the kind of thing that I think about often.
When I was contemplating moving to Edmonton, part of what had me worried, was what if something happens to her? I can’t get there right away, and that’s scary. And this isn’t the kind of thing someone my age should worry about for their mom. I thought this is the kind of thing that happens way later. I suppose I have to accept that my family is not the norm, and that my mom’s condition is not the norm.
She phoned me yesterday in a panic, because she couldn’t find a) her phone charger and b) two of her quilting books. She sounded tearful, and it reminded me of when I lived with her, and if ANYTHING was different, it just messed her up. To this day, she keeps things exactly the same, and others on a schedule. Her fiance comes for supper the first Wednesday of every month, like a club meeting or something. That messed me up. She needs such stability in her life, and I really often feel like she is a lot older than her real age. Maybe her doctors are more right than they realize.
The wind is blowing, and the first snow of the year is coming down in huge flakes. I want to stay cozy and in my warm house, instead of going to work.
Finally a small eensy weensy chance to sit down and blog. I spent the night at Sara’s last night, and it was really great to sit down and have girly chats. We had the opportunity to sit down, get some things off our chests. Sometimes it’s so hard for us to have our own chats with eachother. Often times we find ourselves trying to have conversations muffled by the boys chatting about trucks/cars/mechanic stuff. All of that seems to take priority over her and I having our own time together, whether it’s to hang out and do things our boys won’t do with us, or just sit down and vent.
This week has been full of working like crazy, and my boss and I are at odds with eachother at the moment. I spent all of last Sunday working 13 hours and cleaning up her mess, and I apparently had to come in and “fix it all” the next day because she wouldnt do it herself. It got so bad with how she was treating me all of Monday that multiple customers phoned in and complained. I’ve had a couple job interviews at this laser clinic, and when I come back from BC they want me to come in for a couple paid shifts so they can decide whether or not they like me. Cowboy’s work is also hiring for front end stuff, and I’m expecting to hear back from his boss for an interview soon. The quicker I get out of my current job, the better. I’m really unhappy where I am, and working late means I often miss out on seeing Cowboy for any length of time.
I fly out to BC on Tuesday afternoon, and I’m so excited it’s not even funny. This last week has whizzed by so quickly due to my work that it’s helped the time pass. All of a sudden I have laundry to do and bags to pack and gifts to remember, and it gets a little hectic. My mom is down in Portland, she went on thursday to some huge quilt show/expo there, and she was so excited about it. She’ll be getting back to her place late this evening, and then I’ll be showing up on Tuesday. It’s funny, because her and I never realized how much we missed and loved eachother until I moved away. We were chatting on the phone the other day, and she said a couple things to me. First of which was “I keep finding all these awesome clothes you would love. We’ll have to take you shopping when you get here”. In all my life, my mother has NEVER said that to me. It was really weird, and took me aback. I’ve always heard other moms say things like that to their kids, but never mine. Granted, we were on welfare most of my childhood, so that accounts for it, but it still was weird to me. Secondly, we were chatting about how all I wanted for Christmas was practical things. Like cookbooks or a frying pan. Things for the house- domestic things. She tells me “Whoah, you’re finally an adult. You get it”. That tugged on my heart a little bit. Since getting clean and better, getting my life on track, it’s taken almost 3 years for her to finally forgive me a little bit and realize that I HAVE gotten my life back on track. She thought me moving away with Cowboy was impulsive. Now that we`ve been together for almost a year, she seems to be realizing that what I did was the right thing. Despite me moving away and leaving her, my relationship with her is better for it. I cant wait to see her.
It’s Thursday evening, and Cowboy is at a late night hockey practice. So I’m watching my favorite tattoo show with my dog curled up on the couch beside me. She makes me giggle every time she dreams of chasing rabbits, or lets out a snore.
It’s nice to have some time to myself after a while. Sara and I are in agreement that we’ve been having too much “truck time”. Don’t get me wrong, I have some appreciation for vehicles and how great they are. But living, breathing, living trucks is just too much. Cowboy and I bought a new family vehicle over the weekend, a 2005 Chevy Avalanche. It’s got a full extended cab, so four doors make things a lot easier for long drives, and as Cowboy pointed out, easier to put a baby seat in. That part made me flutter a bit. He really loves his new truck, and although I love it too, I’m not such a big fan of the ridiculous payments we’ll be making over the next 5 years. I just find that being with the guys all the time, every weekend… it gets pretty exhausting. They just dont have the same appeal after being around them alllllllll the time. I definitely need more girly time, and more “Cowboy and Leigh” time.
Sometimes it feels as though with Cowboy and I working different schedules (with me often off work at 10 pm), that we just don’t have all that much time together. I see him in the mornings for a few minutes, and then he picks me up after my work. We’ll spend some time together, normally around an hour or so, and then head to bed. Is it wrong of me to feel as though I don’t have enough time with him? I feel as though we’re falling into a routine, and it’s not too enjoyable.
With so many expenses lately, and with Cowboy going back to school at the end of November, we’ve been trying to save money. Which means doing a lot less new things and staying home a lot more. I really hope that once it starts to get colder things change a bit. Everything gets a little cozier, a little snugglier, and we get to experience some more new things with eachother. Our first Halloween – carving pumpkins and handing out goodies to the little ones. Thanksgiving with his family and the Katzenback family. Christmas in Alberta. Baking and decorating, and hot chocolate. And fires in our fireplace, snuggling up with my puppy-dog.
I just can’t wait. For now, it’s bedtime. For once I work a day shift and I need some sleep.
The weather is really dreary right now, it’s been raining on and off all day. In some ways it reminds me of Alberta summer evenings, and in others it makes me realize that fall is about to arrive.
Last night I finally had a chance to go out after work. With working late often it’s really hard to get out of the house. A friend and I went out for a late dinner, nice to get out without the Cowboy and her boyfriend. We talked a lot about our relationships. What was working, what wasn’t. How we felt about so many changes in the last year and what changes could happen in the future. One of the subjects we brushed upon made me realize how “old” I feel at times. I realized that all my previous relationships were comprised of myself trying to get out and be mature, and my partners were all what you would call a “mama’s boy”. One of my most serious relationships before Cowboy was three and a half years older than me, and he still lived rent-free with his parents. Anything he wanted, he got. If his mother told him no, he wouldn’t do it. But he was so convinced that he was grown up – it just boggled my mind. Seriously, I thought to myself. He was finished college, he was working full time, and living with a silver spoon in his mouth. There I was, under 18, and living on my own wondering what the hell his problem was.
Similar situation today. I was watching the Tyra show. She had groups of two women on the stage. One full of single, career oriented women, who didn’t want kids. The other, married women with kids who were convinced that your life would never be fulfilling until that happened for you.
I was torn, simply because I was horrified at both points of view. What’s wrong with loving yourself and still having a family? Who said that you have to compromise who you are in order to be a wife and mother? Later today, I skimmed through Shapeofagirl’s wedding album online. I looked at her, beaming out at the camera next to her new family and next to her parents who had come together for the occasion. I suppose, this time I looked past all the smiles plastered on, the poses, and really LOOKED.
I paid attention to how A’s older brother appeared with Sister #2, and realized how young they look, about to be married themselves this month. It was scary to me to realize how odd it seemed to imagine them being married, simply because those brothers have lived on the compound for years, and haven’t really known much else. Is that similar to my experience with my ex? Will it be a shock for them when eventually they branch out. An even better question: Will A be shocked when eventually he and Shapeofagirl branch?
Sometimes I wonder how much Shapeofagirl has had to compromise herself for her husband. Sometimes she seems to leave little glimpses of wondering… whether or not she sacrificed herself too much. Back to the show I watched earlier today…I don’t want to feel like I have to sacrifice myself to be a wife and mother, nor do I ever want to have to watch someone else sacrfice herself.
It’s raining again…. I have a lot to think about.
Now, I know what you all are thinking, with the exception of Sara, who knows the news already. No, I promise I’m not having a baby. But yesterday Cowboy and I got a dog!
Last night we met up with his parents. I don’t recall if I mentioned it, but they had to put their dog down recently, and really took it hard. The 8th of September is his Mom’s birthday, and so she is getting another dog from the Humane Society. We went, and there were no small dogs for her. Cowboy and I went looking through, petting the kitties, oohing and ahhing at the rabbits, and giggling at the puppies. Somewhere in the midst of all the cats, I lost Cowboy and kept wandering. After finding another wing of dogs, I stared into the room of a little tiny husky..who was barking as loud as could be. Nope. Not her.
I turned the corner and saw Jill. First I looked at the sign, with her name on it. Right away I said “No way, not at all”. I wasn’t too enthused to see a dog who had the same last name as Cowboy’s ex. But I looked up at her, and she was just standing there, looking up at me. I looked a little closer and saw she only had one eye. That was the kicker. So I turned away before I got too attached, and after meeting up with Cowboy told him, ” I found the most amazing dog, but her name sucks”. He took one look at the sign and laughed.
We inquired about her at the front desk, just for shits and giggles, and they told us that she was a senior dog, so she was cheaper than all the rest. Walking back to the truck, I decided on a whim to call up our rental company to see if border collie – siberian husky cross would be allowed, as they have a strict breed list for our rental. The company said no. Our landlady said yes. And oddly enough, we found ourselves turning the truck around almost halfway home to go adopt a dog.
We waited for 3 hours, filling out paperwork, going back to look at her, pet her. Finally after 8pm we completed our adoption interview and were allowed to take her home. We got a free collar tag with her name and our phone number, our first vet visit free, and a whole package of little things for her. I also easily managed to convince Cowboy to let us get her a pink leash. She’s adjusting really well to our house. I dug up one of my old camp blankets and made her a bed, and Cowboy’s parents brought over a bunch of food and treats. She slept the whole night through on her bed. No accidents, nothing knocked over. The calmest dog, which doesnt surprise me. She’s almost 8 years old. The Humane Society says we’ll probably get a good five years. Maybe more, maybe less. I’m just glad we got a dog that really needs some love.
I guess I haven’t blogged in a while. Partially because my mother was supposed to look at my last blog to see my new fabric ( she didn’t want to read anything else), partially because I haven’t known what to say, and I’m not really sure of another reason.
The other day, I went to the clinic to get my yearly exam and renew my birth control prescription. I walked in, it was empty, which was unusual. I leapt through every step, right up until I got to the doctor part……and the doctor wasn’t in for another hour and a half. So I waited and read my book, and everything seemed to go well. When the doctor was finished, she stood up, and said to me “Well, sometimes this happens. You might want to deal with that”, and promptly left the room. When I got up, blood was EVERYWHERE. Like… not the average kind of menstrual blood. But bleeding like all hell. God, I was so scared, but I dealt with it, did what I could, and took the long bus back to the west end, before I called Cowboy and broke down. He left work immediately to come get me, and although him being there did nothing for the actual issue, he made me feel better. I dont know what happened, I’m not sure I want to. I’m just happy that it’s over.
Alongside that event, Cowboy decided that he was indeed going to go to school for his usual two months for December and January to work on his apprenticeship. He called me up from work one day, and blurted “Can I go back to school?” I was a little shocked and slightly confused, especially considering he was coming home for lunch about 5 minutes from then. We talked about it, and his mom generously offered to pay for his tuition.
So all that’s left is dealing with the difference in cash flow for two months. It’ll be tight, but I’m sure we’ll make it. Being “the woman”, this means that I’ll be worrying and worrying and freaking out and being concerned until this is all over. I try to not do it, honestly I do. It’s just SO HARD. I feel often like I have to worry for Cowboy and myself because he refuses to. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to not worry, like it’s just a part of me and it’ll never change. That worries me a bit. I don’t want to be one of those women who just can’t calm the fuck down and live for the current day.
So, earlier this week, I booked my flight to BC to see my family! I’m really excited to see them, and it’ll be past 6 months by the time I finally get there. I told my sister first, as I’ll be staying at her place for my week-long stay, and then early the next morning, I called my mom to let her know. It felt so good to hear their voice, and to hear how excited they are to have me visit again.
I’ll be there September 29th to October 5th, and because of that it means I won’t be able to come for Christmas. I had a feeling that would happen of course, but it still stings quite a bit to not be around my family for the holidays. This will be my first Christmas away. What I suspect I’ll do is bring all my holiday gifts with me when I go in the fall, and get my mom to hold onto them for me until it’s time. Just means I’ll have most of my gift-buying/making finished way before I need to. I’ve realized that being a big girl and living on my own means you can’t often just go and buy everything in December. Budgeting is key.
I had this really weird dream last night, and even the night before. But last night I dreamt about finding this tie shop that sold the most gorgeous elaborate ties ever, and there was even a purple one. I remember buying three of them for my sister for her new job, and spending hundreds of dollars on just three ties. It didn’t make a bit of sense.
Im really excited to see my sister again. She sounded genuinely excited to see me again, and it’s funny how many people who are in her life there became a part of mine in the short time I lived with her before my move to Edmonton. My sister isn’t a party girl, per se, but she loves to have a good time and entertain. Being one of the only married couples without kids helps with this as well.
I remember living with her, and almost every weekend we had a party of some sort. Some nights I hated it because I worked the day after more often than not, but I always had a lot of fun. I really enjoyed my time getting to know her friends, and they are great people. Still, after being gone for so long, the spare bedroom that was once mine is still referred to as “Leigh’s room”. I find some comfort in knowing that I made a lasting impression in the Arnold household. I’m excited to scrapbook with her, and go on silly adventures, and even gallavant down to Victoria for a day and a photo shoot with Steve. Her and I have talked a lot since I left, and it’s very frustrating that just last year we began to see eye to eye, and now it’s partially gone due to the distance.
I even find that I miss my mom, which is surprising for anyone who knew me in my hometown. I often went 2 or 3 weeks without talking to her or seeing her, but being so far away makes me realize how much she does love me, and how hard she worked to give me a wonderful life, with what we were given to work with. I’m so happy to see her with a man who makes her happy, and finally getting up the courage to stop waiting around for people in order to live her life.
She’s going on vacation to Portland to visit this gigantic fabric depot just before I arrive in BC. It has an INSANE amount of fabric, batting, anything you would want to sew. She’ll be home with a whole bunch of goodies, and perhaps Ill finish my quilt with her. When Katzenback and I went vinyl shopping today, we got this really great fabric for the top of my quilt for a great price. Its this great fucshia color, really similar to a batik fabric. I think she’ll really love it.
I know I won’t be seeing them for at least another month, but I just can’t wait!
Last night, I finally went out after work for more than an hour. It was nice to finally get out of the house, see some people, and do some things. Katzenback got a Pontiac Catalina last night, he and Cowboy went to pick it up while I was at work. It’s a gorgeous car, and it turns out I’m going to be able to get my hands dirty and redo the seats for him. I’m SUPER excited about that, and half of me wishes I can just take a week off to figure this bitch out and get it all done and gorgeous for him. I really have been needing a project to sink my teeth into.
After we parted ways with a few people, we met up with Joe once more and ended up driving out to Flying J’s, a truck stop on the furthest edge of town. I’ve been there once before, and it’s a really great little place. Very similar to the cliche truck stop you see in a movie. Most night we’re there after midnight, and last night did not disappoint. 3 am, I crawled into bed, and it didnt feel like a minute after 11. I love nights like that. Simple and blissful.
We sat in the truck and in Flying J’s talking about a lot of things, and the conversation turned off the beaten, joke filled path, onto something different. We were discussing a not-so-good friend of Cowboy and Joe’s, and how he often got what he wanted handed to him on a silver platter. Cowboy had been feeling a little peeved when said friend recieved quite a large sum of money from his parents and a brand new truck (alongside 30 grand in debt for it). He didn’t think it was fair that he had worked so hard, and still had his ‘92, and this friend had so much all the while never lifting a finger.
I could see where he was coming from. And I thought about it, and really realized…. He may have all this crap, and Mommy and Daddy’s money, and god knows what else. But Cowboy and I are on our OWN, independent, and relatively happy. I would take that over everything the other guy has.
That gives me something to think about. Why, when my life is so great – I have the love of an amazing man, a steady job, and a roof over my head – do I look around at all the things I DO NOT have and think the world is over? Looking around, I have things so many people I know don’t. My own turf, cable, internet, a dishwasher. All that stuff… my mom doesn’t even have most of that. I have good friends, although a lot of them aren’t here. I still have them.
I am not living uncomfortably. I don’t look back fondly on how my mother and I lived on her minimal disability cheques per month. Counting every item as we grocery shopped, living on perogies and Mr. Noodles. Not in my good memories file. But it makes me realize how good I have everything now. I should have realized it sooner.
